I wrote this speech for a class in my senior year of high school. It talks about my real life experiences with depression, and what I have gone through. I was searching through old documents and I found this, and since this is for writing, I thought I would post something since I haven’t for a while.
Trigger Warning: Talks about Depression, Self Harm and Suicide *****
Have you ever felt so numb that you couldn’t even breathe? As if something was holding you back while you’re trying to gasp for air, and no matter how hard you fought to escape, you couldn’t get out. It was something you couldn’t even see. Something that told you every single mistake you ever made was unacceptable and that whenever something went wrong, it was all your fault.
It started in sixth grade where everything changed, just like my friends, the people who I thought I could trust, just turned their backs and decided I wasn’t good enough anymore like I was nothing. Stuck in a whirlwind of my blooming depression, 8th grade swooped by and my new “friends” decided my face wasn’t attractive, so they called me ugly, and pointed out all the bad things about me. I became so self-conscious that I didn’t feel the need to eat anymore. My only sense of relief was to cut my skin and let the new pain flood in and numb all the pain I felt inside. Once my parents found out about the scars, they had the audacity to ask me if I was doing it for attention. I started to think that I’m better off dead because I felt so alone. I isolated myself, even from my own family because I knew they’d never understand, just like the rest of them. The aching inside my body started to overflow, filling me up from head to toe, the darkness kept me awake, and weighed me down, refraining from ever moving again, like there were chains on my ankles. I started to wonder if I’d ever feel fine again, but I was used to the pain, I was used to no one ever accepting me, or making sure I was okay. Everyone in school thought I was a freak, and no one would ever notice if I was gone. Suddenly things started to look up again, I felt hope, but every time, that hope was crushed, as if someone had grabbed it and purposely smashed it into millions of tiny particles, so I decided that I’d never get my hopes up again, and I stick to that to this day. I stopped caring about everything, I only did half of my homework, and didn’t do so well on my test scores, and no matter what I did, I tried to be okay.
As soon as tenth grade started, I got a job, and that helped ease my mind from all the distractions that brought me pain. During that same year, I was at my lowest point, but I had a teacher, and he didn’t even know, but all those motivational talks he gave to the class, and his many words of encouragement helped me through the year, and he is still my favorite teacher today, and he didn’t even know he was helping me. The following year, I boosted my grades, and I felt better about myself, and I wasn’t so depressed, and I wasn’t in constant pain. I still do have my moments from time to time about what I experienced in the past; I’m still self-conscious about myself and often put myself down, but I won’t go to the extremes that I used to before. I still feel alone, I don’t have friends in school, and I sit alone at lunch, but I have come to accept that, and I don’t feel sad about it anymore. I wouldn’t take anything that I went through, back because I wouldn’t be the person I am today, I am a lot more confident and strong-minded, and I am here today, alive to prove to all those people who thought they could bring me down, that they were wrong. I’m grateful, and I wouldn’t change a single thing, because I believe that the person you’re looking at right now can be better, and do better than any of those who brought myself, and any other person down.